Spring break

The pain had subsided but shows itself intermittently. My blood pressure is consistently high. In this single week of spring break, I found the time to get the tests done. These tests were issued over a month ago, but couldn't find the time to do them due to mid-semester tests and assignments. the doctor suspected that my heart may be a bit too big after the ECG tests results. He reassured me that these tests aren't too accurate so I didn't need to worry. After having found out that my father died from a stroke at the age of 42, it is possible that the same may happened to me. I had to spend today at home, just so I can collect a urine sample for 24 hours. It is annoying, I am starting to get pissed off by it.

In some ways, my childhood wish may come true sooner if not later. In any case the results of what I do became irrelevant as long as I do what I enjoy without hurting anybody. Ironicly, I am now more relaxed. I started thinking about death poems to write.

Voices from the other side

When I am tired, I would curl myself up somewhere. I would try to sleep but couldn't. After awhile in that state, a strong feeling would build up inside me. I wanted to scream and my heart would feel like exploding. I have this compulsion to burn myself out; to really push myself physically; believing that it is impossible for me to self-destruct. In the end, I do nothing and that weariness remained. It felt like that I had a "cloak of invincibility" and that I had put it on and then taken it off again. It is strange to be caught up within the two extremes of emotions as if I am living in a void.

Words filled my mind uncontrollably. I will not be able to sleep until I write it down.

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夢にだけ
君を会えます
風に花

yume ni dake
kimi o aemasu
kaze ni hana

only in dreams
I can see you
flower in the wind
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I don't really know what I meant by that.