Greetings everyone,
I am sorry that I had not kept in contact. I hope that you are all well. Uni will be starting soon and I may not be able to write for awhile. My current course in teaching seems to be agreeing with me. The sociology units of my course made me understand a lot about myself.
I have also found out the reason for my depression and why I had harboured the innate feeling of wanting to die for so long. It is because that I wanted to be with my dead father rather than my mother or stepfather. It is strange wanting to be with someone who I had never knew. There are a lot of things about myself that I don't know such as my real place of birth and my real date of birth. This has made me feel like an outsider in a lot of situation. I had always felt awkward in the company of friends and their families as I cannot relate to people. Having now acknowledged this, there is nothing that I could do about it. The way things are is because they are and now I feel indifferent about it. I do not want to dwell on it any further.
Currently, I am on my last dose of anti-depressants. I think that the side-effects of these drugs are worst than the depression itself. It was the study of Zen, haiku and Shorinji Kempo which had kept me from sinking further into the depth of despair. For the rest of my time I will seek out the ways of Zen. Because I do not know much about life I want to travel and experience its many facets. In effect, the depression was the worst thing that has happened to me but it was also the best thing that had happened because of what I have discovered for myself. During those last two years when the depression had peaked, I had matured so much and I had found out what I wanted to do. Perhaps, I was a bit vain to question my own existence and that I needed a reason to live.
Late last year, I had a kidney operation. I will be having a follow-up operation later this year. Occasionally, I get internal bleeding of the kidney from just walking to the shop. In the first few weeks after the operation, I rested. However, I decided to continue with Shorinji Kempo training to my own capacity ensuring that I do not get punched or kicked in the kidney. Because of the reduce load of Shorinji Kempo training, I made a return to rock-climbing. I often felt weak and light-headed during those times but it is better than staying in bed running the risk of the depression returning.
Under these circumstances, I would like to be alone. Actually, I now find comfort in solitude. Please understand that I like to do my own thing and do not wish to meet up for any reasons as I have already spend too much time in bed for the last two years. Should we ever meet by chance then I would look upon it as fortune being in my favour and we could talk then.
May fate be favourable to me in seeing you next time,
theUncontactable
