Decontruction & Reconstruction

I feel physically fudged from yesterday's climbing. My body is becoming more solid again, especially my forarms. I am in the process of deconstructing myself as a climber; forget everything I ever known about climbing and rebuilding it from the beginning. What is hard to deprogram is fear, but I think I will be successful and lead on natuarl again. This mean that I will need some successful air-time and fall on lead eventually. The falls will come with my current mindset of indifference to everything I do. My climbing is much stronger now than my last attempt at coming back when I had a stent in my kidney and I was pissing blood.

My insomnia was getting worse last night as I was thinking self-destructive thoughts, but then I thought of the time when I met Marcia on the bus and we talk about meaningless shit that made us both laugh. It was an event that has no particular significance but the funny discussion just made it better. I am beginning to relax more now and become more sensitive to the wind, the sunshine and the natural elements that are hidden in this synthetic landscape of the city again. One day I will shut out this silent solioquy inside my head and feel nothing but the emptiness of the cosmos.